Hollywood Squares: Nine Reasons Why the Dallas Cowboys Will Win

This article is being written for one simple reason, and one simple idiot.

I have in the past wondered what kind of drugs some of the ESPN writers were on, but after this piece was brought to my attention by friend "Henny," I had to wonder how much of the mountain this guy was on.

So since he felt so confident, I decided to take his confidence and rochambeau the hell out of it for a bit.

So, if you're reading this Seth Wickersham—pay attention, because this bird's for you.

Here are nine reasons why the Cowboys can win this weekend.

1. Eli Manning is not his brother's keeper.

Sure, Eli Manning is finding his groove. And sure, he had a pretty decent showing in last week's victory over Tampa Bay. But every dog has its day, remember?

If Eli was truly that good, he would have beaten New England two weeks ago. Any quarterback can find their groove at any given time. But everyone has been expecting Eli to be just Peyton, and that isn't going to happen.

Peyton was happy to just get the chance to play and prove his worth. Eli started off his NFL career by throwing a temper tantrum over being drafted by San Diego. Peyton made an impact in his first full season with the Colts, while Eli was trading insults with Brenda Warner.

Despite the defensive woes of the Cowboys, they only lost three games this season for a reason. When Romo was inconsistent, the entire sports world laid into him. What makes Eli so different? His stats over the past few weeks mean nothing if he can't beat Dallas—and since he is 0-2 this season against the 'Boys, who is to say that they won't go 0-3? As far as confidence, his may be sky-high, but his coach's confidence is average at best because…

 2. Tom Coughlin is still sweating bullets.

"Play every game like it's your last." This is the phrase that is said by at least 90 precent of the coaches in the country, no matter what sport. But how many coaches actually have to believe their own hype? 

Coughlin has been coaching on borrowed time for the last two seasons. The Giants' decline during his tenure, from Super Bowl contenders to playoff pretenders, is enough proof. Coughlin has put his fate, and his job, in the hands of a rookie who didn't even look like he knew where he was going in the first place.

He decided that Kurt Warner didn't have "it" anymore, even though Warner finished with a passer rating of 89.8 this season—as opposed to Eli's 73.9. The Giants made the playoffs because they decided that they needed to play and quit being prima donnas. It's simple for Coughlin on Sunday: Win or you're fired.

The Giants will have to win this Sunday to keep a majority of their players with the team next season. Michael Strahan could still retire. Plaxico Burress could be what he's always been: egotistical. And even though he's retired, the Giants still have Tiki Barber stuck above their heads. So why are the G-Men—and Seth, for that matter—talking about… 

3. Jessica Simpson?

Nick Lachey married her. Eminem wrote a line in a song about her. Jon Maher had a fling with her. Tony Romo took her to a donkey show over the bye week.

Here's a thought. Why in the hell would anyone be focusing on what athletes do on a bye week? Unless it impacts his play this weekend, the sports paparazzi should focus on the game. Simpson-mania made an impact for one game—and after that, it meant nothing.

Shockingly enough, she's not as dangerous as most people let on. A hot woman with an amazing rack spells bad luck for the Cowboys? There's your sign of the apocalypse right there. I mean, have you seen the cheerleaders in Dallas?  New York is good for one thing, though…

4. The Giants can fake a good game.

Whenever you compare this year's Giants to teams who were red-hot at the end of a season, the results are not encouraging. The Chargers have been red-hot in years past, but once the playoffs hit, they just plain sucked. The Colts are always hot, but beating New England was their Achilles heel. Any team can win the lottery once in a while, but New York will show its inconsistency against the Cowboys because…

5. They can run…if the defense isn't that great.

The Giants have a decent running game, no question. So where was it when they lost by 10 in the first meeting with Dallas, and by 11 in the second? Just because you can run the ball doesn't always guarantee playoff domination.

Just ask Minnesota. They had arguably the best running back this season—including LT—and they are at home watching these games, because they couldn't even beat an inconsistent Denver team.

Brandon Jacobs won the starting job by default, due to Barber's retirement. And Jacobs' 5.0 yards per carry was only .2 yards more than Marion Barber's average this season. Jacobs had over 1,000 yards this season while Barber had almost 1,000.

Against a mediocre defense, anyone can have a good game but…

6. If you can't pass, your @$$ is grass!

If Eli wants respect, he has to earn it. If he is accustomed to being the second-best quarterback in the NFC East, then he's right where he wants to be. A late-season surge is not a substitute for getting the job done come playoff time. Todd Collins is a good example of this phenomenon—he played well one week, and atrociously the next. 

The Cowboys didn't play their first stringers during the majority of the season-ender against the 'Skins, but they will in this one. Their defense is just as intimidating as Michael Strahan. But Strahan can't win the whole game by himself, and the Giants' secondary has been notorious for giving up big gains this season.

Jeremy Shockey is always a dangerous threat if he gets open, but Eli still hasn't learned to thread the needle when necessary. And as far as Owens being the only option for Dallas to win this one…

7. Even with no TO, the Cowboys can go!

Owens is the primary target for Tony Romo in any clutch situation, but he isn't the only weapon they have on offense. Marion Barber is a good screener, while Jason Witten can turn any short gain into points. 

Patrick Crayton will be a good complement to Owens, in the event that #81 can't play up to his usual level. Despite the injured ankle, Owens is known for toughing it out. He may not play much on Sunday, but he'll play if he can work through the pain. 

Crayton and Terry Glenn have proven that they can get the job done all season in Owens' absence, whereas Giants receivers have been more flip-floppy than Roger Clemens' steroid story.

The Giants are hoping lady luck will be on their side, but the problem is…

8. The '04 QB Class has stumbled into the postseason.

Taking a look at the three quarterbacks from that 2004 Draft that were placed in the hot seat right off the bat, you could make a legitimate argument that they are tougher than they were then. But the problem is that all three limped into the playoffs, and all three had to fight for their postseason lives.

Ben Roethlisberger's Steelers lost some major games down the stretch, won the AFC North on a technicality (tiebreaker over Cleveland), then dropped the ball—literally—against the Jaguars last weekend. Big Ben turned the ball over four times during that game, including the fumble that sealed the win for Jacksonville.

Philip Rivers led the Chargers to supremacy last season, only to lose big at home in the playoffs. This year, the Bolts had to pull out all stops to win their division—and even with that momentum, had trouble against Tennessee in the Wild Card round.

Despite New York's impressive showing last week, Eli Manning is next on the list of "QBs who get eaten for breakfast on game day."

Even though Manning has had tasted playoff success, he should ask his brother about the postseason. Eli may have two good thumbs versus Romo and the Cowboys, but he also has…

9. Two Big Losses!